Teeth (2007)

Review:

A part of me finds it hard to believe this story hasn’t already been made into a movie. Then again, I have a severely limited knowledge of the cult films and borderline pornography that might offer such a precursor to “Teeth” (2007). In any case, to undertake a story like “Teeth” and make it successful you must be audacious and willing to shock. Thankfully, director and writer Mitchell Lichtenstein is up to the challenge and thankfully too, he makes the wise decision to play for laughs.

“Teeth” tells the story of high school student Dawn O’Keefe (Jess Weixler) who has a deep dark secret in a deep dark place. Dawn is a good student very concerned with her chaste image. She speaks at purity rallies promoting abstinence to her peers and in her personal life she shies away from anything that might arouse her sexual appetites. She keeps boys at a distance and doesn’t want to see a movie that has heavy making out in it.

Looming over the tree line of Dawn’s town are two giant smokestacks belonging to a nuclear power plant. It is never mentioned outright but it is implied that the nearby nuclear power plant is having an adverse effect on the locals. Dawn’s mother has developed cancer and Dawn…

Well, Dawn has grown teeth on her vagina. Viscious teeth. Emasculating teeth. Thus, when a male friend tries to sexually assault Dawn he learns about Vagina Dentata the hard way.

Ah yes, the age-old myth Vagina Dentata at last making its way into popular American cinema. I’m happy for it. Finally we’ve come into an age where the vagina can be referenced outright and subsequently turned into the terrifying monster in a movie. But what I really liked about “Teeth” is twofold.

1) The material is presented straight-faced but you can sense the tongue in cheek. Subsequently you laugh at a lot of the horrific emasculations.
2) It exhibits a lot of the implications of the classic monster films. For instance, the society that creates the monster is perhaps worse than the monster itself (this is an idea employed in “Frankenstein” (1931) and “King Kong” (1933) and “E.T.” (1982).

And while “Teeth” is certainly no “Frankenstein,” “King Kong,” or “E.T.” it is good homage to B movies fun. Be warned though, if you think that modesty will compel the filmmakers to not show what you can’t imagine they’d show, they do show it. Get ready.

Rating:

On a scale of one to “Casablanca” this film is approximately two “Air Force One”s better than “Bubba Ho Tep” (2002)

Rationalization:

“Bubba Ho Tep” was weird and OK but ultimately too much. “Teeth” relies on time-tested horror devices, an ancient premise, and moves along confidently and at times hilariously. Will it be remembered with as much reverence as “The Shining” (1980) or “The Descent” (2005)? No. But “Teeth” will go down as one of those camp oddities that future kids will find and watch and thereafter reminisce about how in the olden days movies were so tame and silly.